Tik Tok (make it stop)

The Boozy Weathergirl
Mar 3, 2022
4 min read

This past week, we've worn our beads, overindulged, got our heads ashed and had to sit through another long stream of bullshit otherwise known as the State of the Union address. Since (some of) you can't eat meat tomorrow, sink your teeth into this edition of Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl instead.

1

Morning lesson - toothpaste and coffee REALLY do not go well together. This can only be topped by brushing your teeth and drinking orange juice. Blech!

2

I am obsessing a bit about Tik Toks/Reels this week, because they are flooding my feed. I observe these people, thinking they are so cute and clever, and all I can think to myself is that they are not any of that. I basically see the same damn dance, or inside joke, played out OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. No originality. No uniqueness. Just copy cat, boring shit. And who has time for this? It's not like you roll out of bed and start shooting these things. You must have a make up team and production crew following you around all day. And while you're doing this, stop acting like you're some coy person, doubting your attractiveness or talent. You know you're hot and gifted, and you can't wait to show everyone. So basically, what you've accomplished is promoting your narcissism for all the world to see. Congrats. #notinterested

3

Oh, and while I'm at it, why are there so many people in the medical profession making Tik Toks at work? I already have to wait long enough in the office to see you. Don't even want to think of what I'd do if I was sitting in your waiting room for 30 minutes, then I glance back and see you all making a video of the latest dance craze! I might seriously lose it. Do that shit on your own time, please!

4

I did visit the eye doctor this week (no Tik Toks going on). And again, I was filled with anxiety as I had to sit at the "video game“ they use to check your vision, where you have to click the button every time you see a dot appear on the screen. I am so eager to impress, that I start psyching myself out right as I sit down. Come on, girl, you got this! But do I? Have I been staring ahead too long, causing me to hallucinate a dot appearing? Is that a dot in my peripheral vision or just a light from the background? Has it been too long since I've clicked the button? Has it not been long enough? Fuck! Why am I letting this test affect me so? Sweat starts forming. I'm sure the tech is laughing at my overachieving ass. I thought all I needed were glasses, but it turns out I might need therapy as well.

5

I am currently taking a night class, and it's four hours long, from 5:30pm to 9:30pm. My squirm level is at an all-time high during this course. But there are certain people who can sit still for long periods of time without fidgeting at all. And it's those people of whom I am most suspicious. It's like they're saving all of that pent up energy until they explode. Come on. Touch your hair or scratch your face. Be bold and switch the elbow you're leaning on, you uptight bitty. I dare you.

6

Fat Tuesday made me think that it would be much nicer if instead of saying someone is overweight, you described them as giving the world more to love.

7

My friend sent me the best meme the other day. It was kind of like those height chart things you buy for your kids, so you can tick off their height as they grow. Except this one for boobs. And instead of measuring upward, it ticks off the downward sagging of the titty that progresses with age. Would be fun to document and admire in the golden years if you are as breastly blessed as I am.

8

Another friend told me about a conversation she and her husband had via FaceTime with their daughter in college. The daughter asked if the couple had been watching anything good lately. And the husband responded that, "it seems like Season 3 of COVID is over, so now we're watching World War III, Season 1." I found this remarkably clever, so I called to hire him as the head writer for my comedy tour.

9

I had a stomach bug over the past week, and I was barely able to eat everything. Just like a million times before, I thought to myself, "this is a great springboard to weight loss! I don't need to eat. I can fast. I'm not hungry! I can do it!" Then I ate something, and it was like a homecoming for all the fabulous food and flavor my body had been missing for a few days. No snack was spared. No meal refused. And just like that, I was right back where I started. Oh well. I tried.

10

Everyone's stressed about putting deposits down on colleges and universities for their kids. That got me thinking I need to get started at the strip club so I can boost my college savings account (and by boost, I mean start). Then I saw something that said Clown College only lasts 8 weeks, and the starting salary is between $45-60K a year. Um, kid, I have a new career path for you, and I think you're really gonna love it...

Speaking of my kid, she likes to eat a clementine at the end of every breakfast. She calls it a "citrus tingle." As I sit and watch the weather warm up, I start to crave my own adult version of the citrus tingle - an Aperol Spritz! If you enjoy bubbly, citrusy parties for your taste buds, but have never tried this delight, run and buy these ingredients stat!