Make it stop!!!

The Boozy Weathergirl
14 hours ago
2 min read

Here in the Northeast, we will be in school until June 97th, but who's counting? Although you CAN count on my Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl to be as entertaining as usual.

1

I got a pre-chopped fruit salad snack cup at the grocery store this week, and all I could think to myself is, "who the hell decides the size of these fruit pieces?" Like, do you not take into consideration that a quarter melon is not easy to chew in one sitting without a knife and cutting board handy?

2

You know you're getting old when you find yourself Door Dashing antacids to the bar you're at, because your drinks are inflaming your acid reflux.

3

My friend shared a deep thought this week worth repeating - Why do they call it "bone dry?" Instead, why isn't it "dry as a menopausal woman being forced to have sex on demand or something like that?"

4

My friends were all discussing their pet's inhibitions about doing their business in the snow. One even described his dog's tendency to stand on a tree stump and take a dump over the edge. I suggested he bring a sample "Poop Stoop" to Shark Tank and see what they think!

5

I learned a lot at a recent real estate conference. Not that this has anything to do with real estate, but an agent there informed me that women have a deeper, more-fulfilling orgasm when their feet are warm. Which led to a week-long reference to "Sock Sex," getting to the point where we convinced our single male friends to have a drawer full of new socks at the ready!

6

People who lose one shoe on the side of the road - please humor me and tell me what the rest of your life looks like.

7

Best motivational sign I’ve seen in a bit - Trust me. You can dance. Love, Rum.

8

If someone has a toe fetish and cheats on their partner, does they mean they got off on the wrong foot?

9

I hate when I’m trying to spell a word, and my phone can’t do it either.

10

Best advice I received this week - Be good. But if you can't be good, be good at it.

They are talking MORE snow for us, like every day next week. We’re screaming, “UNCLE!,” Mother Nature! All I can say is screw the eggs and bread! No one needs that much French toast. Your morning blizzard should bring you joy, dammit! Stock up on THESE ingredients this weekend, my peeps!