Love Yourself

The Boozy Weathergirl
2 days ago
2 min read

I'm not really sure what spins and dumps out people faster - a revolving door at a hotel or the Trump Administration. Hoping you ride out your term of reading Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.

1

Want to piss me off? Then pull out in front of me when there are absolutely no cars in back of me that the eye can see. #iwillrideyourass

2

I was discussing my ample bosom with a friend, and she described it like this - "Your boobs are like the Sunday New York Times - too much to handle, but it's nice to know they're there."

3

Nothing reminds a middle-aged woman of her overly full bladder like a cough or sneeze.

4

Jealous of a friend who visited a very cool spa lately. It had a bucket full of travel-sized, complimentary dildos in a bucket that read, "LOVE YOURSELF." #fuckinggenius

5

My bank is constantly blocking credit card purchases because of a security threat. And I'm like, "Hello, it's me! Just ordering a new bedroom set at 2:00am!" Turns out I am my own biggest threat.

6

I think the makers of Benadryl are the smartest people on Earth. I mean, you can't have allergies if you're passed out cold, right?

7

Just remember, the downside of being a sarcastic parent is getting a sarcastic kid.

8

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "what's your blood type?" The rabbit replied, "I'm probably a type O." #getit?

9

I absolutely do not get rid of leftovers. Instead, I put them in glass-lidded containers, stack them in my fridge, wait for them to grow mold, then I throw them in the trash.

10

I'm not saying that I drink too much caffeine or anything. But I'm fairly certain that my body will continue to move another 48 hours after my death.

There have been multiple days this week that I swore there was a full moon. Really surprised to find out it wasn't true. I looked up full moon cocktail recipes, and I chose the one below, because I thought it was funny to use a tequila with a brand name that translates to "White Pants Tequila."