Friends with benefits

This week, I'm looking for friends with benefits. No, not that. I mean people who have club memberships, boats and glamorous vacation homes. I'd like to get my user ID card for that ASAP. In the meantime, you have the dubious benefit of reading this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.

1

My daughter is constantly riding me about my lack of physical exercise. I saw this tee shirt recently and wondered how embarrassing it would be if I wore it. It said, "Your dad is my cardio."

2

I followed yet another pool water company truck through the back roads of my commute last week. The tagline on the side was, "Let us supply your joy." All I could think was that if the truck was filled with vodka martinis, the company would have then fulfilled its promise.

3

My car asked me to perform an update the other day, and I foolishly agreed to its installation while I was driving. This means that the back-up camera was unavailable during my drive. I have no depth perception, at all. So, the loss of this feature, even for five minutes, gave me heart palpitations, because I had to back out of spaces in two different parking lots. I really don't think anyone realizes how much they use that thing.

4

Have you ever opened the dishwasher to put in dirty dishes, but you realize that the dishes are clean, and you really don't feel like unloading it right at that point, so you just close it up, throw the dirty dishes in the sink and scatter away, pretending you never saw the clean dishes? Yeah, me neither. I must have just seen that on a sitcom or something.

5

Who decided that white was a good color for baseball pants? Like, seriously. It must have been a sponsor who works for a laundry detergent company, right? Or a distributor of baseball pants? Maybe it was the parent company of Clorox? God bless you baseball parents!

6

Wouldn't it be fun if there was a "Take Your Friend to Work Day?" That way, they could see the BS you put up with all day, and you could prove all of the drunken stories you've told them.

7

I considered starting a swear jar in my home, but then I realized that I do not have the kind of income to keep up with my filthy mouth.

8

I'm on Spring Break this week, and I am so proud of myself for crossing things off of my to-do list. I'm not actually doing any of them, but I really just don't want them on my list anymore.

9

I am actually jealous of people who know the right time to just shut up. I try, but even if no words come out, my face starts publishing snarky subtitles that I cannot control.

10

If I am ever on life support, please just unplug me, count to 10 and plug me back in before you make any rash decisions. Thank you.

As we all start dieting to fit into summer, remember that if you're hungry, you might actually be thirsty. So, drink a pitcher of margaritas and see how you feel! And if you want your daily intake of carrots, try this farmarita. It was deceptively delish and Easter Bunny approved!