Christmas is Creepy

We're about a week away from ChrisKwanzakkah. My kid came home from college and started watching Christmas episodes of old shows, so I joined her. What stood out to me was the weird and creepy customs of Christmas. I decided to comment on a few of my most-puzzling in this week's Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl.

1

Sitting on Santa's lap - what parent out there started thinking it was ok for little Suzie and Jimmy to sit on some closet perve's leg to ask for favors? You know why babies cry when they go see Santa? Because they inherently don't want creepy-ass people to touch them.

2

Mistletoe - Along the same lines as above, you hang sprigs of weeds around your home to give people permission to grope you once happening upon them? Hell to the No! Don't you come near me without explicit permission, weirdo.

3

Cookies for Santa - People, this man is already a fat fuck. Do we need to add to his diabetes by giving him sugary treats? Why don't you make him a nice kale salad or some salmon? Even chicken. Plus, the crumbs! Do you want ants and mice to eat through your perfectly-wrapped gifts?

4

Santa's Sleigh - Most of us have been on a family vacation. And if your mom was like me, she packed something for every scenario imaginable. That plus two parents and however many kids in the car made things a wee bit cramped. So, how the hell is a little sled going to fit all of the presents in it for the WHOLE WORLD?!? Oh, is it because there's that magic bag that wondrously produces gifts every time the old man sticks his hand in there? Pull this leg, and it plays "Jingle Bells."

5

Santa enters your house by sliding down the chimney - Um, you know what would happen if a man got into my house by any way other than my opening the door to him? He'd be shot. Why? He is a potentially harmful intruder. And there is no judge or jury who would ever blame me for killing him. I don't care who you are - breaking and entering is illegal.

6

Santa's Elves - So, it's not enough that Santa basically employs slave labor, but these workers also cannot even look the man in the eye. I mean, is this not a blatant celebration of oppression?

7

Santa's Reindeer - Yep, on the ground, things like horses pull sleighs. However, they don't fly. Anywhere. Ever. Why not have them be a team of carrier pigeons or eagles? Either way, how does Santa not end up with a pile of manure in his grill? And wouldn't that smell just permeate as he entered your home? FFS, why didn't Santa evolve with the times, get verified and obtain a fleet of private jets, compliments of Sir Richard Branson?

8

The red nose - It's not just Rudolph who has a red nose, folks. Santa's is pretty rosy. Now, to me, this would mean that the old dude is snorting some serious coke in order to stay up all day and night, catering to mainly ungrateful kids.

9

The Christmas Pickle - So, the last time I played hide-the-pickle in my bush, I got a kid out of it. Seriously? A pickle? Why not just make it a dildo and give someone a real treat each holiday season?

10

Mrs. Claus - Do you really think there is a woman on this Earth who would just be ok with her man pulling an all-nighter? Bitch, please! You know she has her own version of the Santa Tracker, and it's making sure he is NOT leaving his DNA all over God knows where, in who knows who. They've got enough mini people to feed as it is!

Anyone who reads my banter is more on the naughty side than the nice. So, I know you will not be offended by my shared recipe this week - The Dirty Santa. Cheers to getting the holiday prep wrapped and enjoying some nog (or a snog)!