Relatively drinking.

The Boozy Weathergirl
Nov 26, 2020
3 min read

Updated: Jan 5, 2021

Happy Day of Thanks to my virtual family! Though many of us cannot be with family and friends this year, this week’s edition of Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl will remind you why this isn’t such a bad thing. So here is the list of least-wanted party guests and the cocktails that can help you get through a day with them.

1

The Narcissist

This is your cousin, Chad, who belongs to multiple country clubs and just closed the biggest deal, blah, blah, blah. And while he goes on and on about his self-proclaimed fabulousness, you know deep down he’s just compensating for his cocktail-sized wiener. To tune out his low balls, try a Highball.

2

The Do-Gooder

That one friend or relative who helps others, but does so only so she can rub it in your face. This one will list off all the charities and Boards she serves on, and includes the philanthropic organizations her kids and husband volunteer for, all the while also showing off her Louis Vuitton and Louboutins. While you fake a smile and pump her full of outward validation, pump yourself full of a Blood Orange Garibaldi Spritz.

3

Uncle Ivan, Luigi, Abraham, Busta

The name could be anything. He’s the one who sits at the table and doesn’t speak. He just grunts in disgust at anything anyone says, burps, then falls asleep after he eats. To battle this creature, you need a White Russian.

4

Snow White

This is your relative who, despite being created by the homeliest couple you know, turned out to be the most ethereal beauty. And she is so unassuming - like, there probably are birds buzzing around her head and small animals following her everywhere she goes - you want to vomit. To get you closer to Neverland, try a few Fairytale Cocktails or an Apple Pie in a Jar.

5

The Dieter/Portion Shamer

This sad cousin didn’t save enough points for the holiday meal, so he/she is either longingly staring at your food as you eat, or complaining about how much fat is in something, right as you shovel it into your mouth. OR it’s her mother, making him/her and you feel bad about just about everything. Curb your shame by offering a Skinny Margarita.

6

The Sports Fanatic

That loud, crazy relative, probably from the South or the Midwest, parked in front of the TV, screaming obscenities at bad calls and cheering so loud your grandma’s hearing aid explodes in her ear drum, all the while forgetting that there is anyone else at this gathering but him. Obviously, this dude gets a Budweiser.

7

The Political Polarists

Now this is the fun part of dinner. As the alcohol starts setting in, and your Boomer granddad starts waxing on about how Trump was robbed of his second term, your Gen Z nephew pipes up and reveals he is gay, while also praising Biden and Kamala. Before it comes to blows, serve up some Blow Job Shots to celebrate your nephew and a classic Old Fashioned keep grandpa from blowing his top off.

8

The Lovebirds

So this is either the young college grads on their way to engagement, or the newly-divorced relative who just found his/her soulmate. They’re so smitten and can barely keep their hands off each other, while you sit there staring at your spouse, lamenting about your decades-long loveless marriage. Before sending them off to get it on in the back seat of their car, you bring out some Sex on the Beach for everyone to enjoy.

9

The Opportunist

Your uncle, Larry, just discovered the best new pyramid scheme out there, and for a very small investment from everyone at the table, we can all be millionaires! Ok, Larry. If you pull this leg, it plays Jingle Bells. And to back you up, I’m serving you a plethora of - no surprise - The Opportunist! Chug back a few of these New England IPAs, and you might finance his whole life!

10

The Party Girl

Here’s the long, lost niece no one has seen or heard from in years, other than rumors that she ran off with a guy on a Harley or joined a cult. She shows up with a Clawserole as her side dish, and she instantly becomes your best friend. She already brought her bevies, but you can try any of these concoctions meant for the Life of the Party.

And then there’s your poor mom, sitting at the kitchen table, looking at her house in shambles, drinking the stiffest Dirty Martini she could make, hoping to God someone else volunteers to host Christmas!!

No matter how you're spending your holiday, know that there is one tipsy chick who is thankful to have you in her life!