Pleased as punch?

The Boozy Weathergirl
Nov 11, 2021
4 min read

Happy Veterans Day to all the brave men and women who defend my right to publish things like Deep Thoughts Thursday with The Boozy Weathergirl. Since I am not worthy of even thinking about such valor, I am going to focus this week on the things I dread about the upcoming holiday season. More specifically, the entertaining.

1

Lack of recognition. You don't realize what goes into pulling off a successful holiday gathering, unless you actually plan and execute a holiday gathering yourself. Hosting doesn't count. That's just a cocoon for all the work. The weeks of planning, shopping, cooking - it's exhausting. And not only do we have one of these to plan - we have three major holidays in the span of 30-something days! Two are within the same week! And you wonder why I drink...

2

It's expensive. Everyone comes to your house, looks at the spread and raves about it. But do they offer you money? No! Between the food, drinks, utensils, serving dishes and decorations - not to mention the copious amounts of resources being used at your house (water, electric, gas) - you might as well start selling your body on the side to pay for all of it.

3

People expect the good china. Here's the thing. Once everyone eats and drinks too much, no one is even capable of helping with clean up. So, unless you're going to stand with me and hand wash every piece of everything we used to eat today (because no china can go in the dishwasher), put back that extra serving of judgment and use your turkey-decorated, oval, coated paper plate and do it with a smile.

4

Accommodating dietary needs. This little piggie is vegetarian. This piggie is vegan. This little piggie has celiac. This little piggie is diabetic. And this little piggie cried wah, wah, wah until she sucked down her protein shake. You know what? Why doesn't everyone just bring their own food, cooked exactly the way you like it prepared, and hand me a bottle of vodka?

5

Travel. No matter how you're getting there, it will be a rage-inducing experience. If you drive, traffic will take hours longer than usual. If you fly, there are never more flight complications than there are the day before Thanksgiving. For all the time air travel has been a thing, have we not learned to space out travel around the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? This is Holiday 101, people! And don't even talk to me about the price-gouging of gas that happens around the holidays!

6

Choosing who to invite. I don't know what crack Hallmark is smoking, but coming up with the holiday guest list is about the most anxiety-inducing experience you will ever inflict on yourself. Which relatives are fighting now? Can this one be in the same room as this one anymore? If I invite the friends, will my family think I like my friends more? And if I invite this friend, will it piss off the other one? Save yourself the trouble. Go volunteer at a shelter and give all you got to someone who might actually appreciate it!

7

Football. Now, I am a chick who loves football. But do we really have to have that crap on all afternoon, giving all football lovers in the near vicinity a self-designated hall pass for any responsibility other than sitting on the couch, drinking and watching TV?

8

Listing your blessings. This is not something to complain about, in general. I find it helpful to take stock of all the fantastic things in my life quite often. However, what adds this to the dread pile is people staring at you, forcing you to do this out loud, sometimes amongst strangers, all while you really just want to eat. Plus, some people don't feel all that happy during the holiday season. Respect that and let them eat cake.

9

Having to be on my best behavior. I've done everything to make everyone happy and comfortable. I'm spent. But I still have to act energetic, entertaining and polite, even if everyone else is being an asshole. And I can't even say "asshole," because the holidays apparently make even your foul-mouthed relatives prim and proper and curse words become inappropriate. #fuckthis

10

Gluttonous guilt. You can plan out your points, your calories, your portions - whatever. But sit me down in front of a buttery bowl of mashed potatoes, and it's all over. Add that to the plethora of pies and cookies that await, and any hope of healthy eating goes out the window. Try not to beat yourself up about indulging. If this were the Renaissance period, a shapely physique would be worshipped. Remember, you are in good shape. And that shape is round. #chowdown

You know I love to complain, but I do enjoy the holiday season - a little. Instead of slapping your loved ones, take out your frustrations by recreating one of these delicious recipes and make everyone pleased as punch!